there’s blood stains on every pair of panties I own
I stuck em in a bowl and dyed them all black
I’ve had an IUD for ten years
and had a female partner for five of them,
go figure
and she hated knowing it was in there
past and future bumping her fingers
but I wasn’t going anywhere
just once,
I wish she’d reached for me
somewhere other than
a movie theater
a locker room
a bus stop
public-thrill-spectacle-of-ownership
could she have known
all I wanted was to get off
in the mundane
of our bed
fall asleep on her chest
feel like a woman
be the held
Not the hold-er
but the hold—ee
every so often
a partner recently asked me,
after they’d cum,
what do you need?
and I started to cry
and couldn’t answer
and felt so dumb
not having an answer
what was the answer
no one’s ever thought to ask me that
I remember to feed the cats
and forget to feed myself a lot
tink tink little kibbles hitting the bowl
if there were baby food for grown ups
I’d open a jar
is that what vegetable juice is?
I’d give anything for an egg
but the store feels far
when I remember, I eat
I mean I really eat
a bear stocking up for the winter
maybe I’m a bear
I’m a hot sleeper
I sweat
in dreams I’m always running in a heavy coat
sometimes, I wonder if it’s menopause come early
but it’s been this way since I was ten
and in waking I’m running in an invisible cloak
heavy on my back but I wear it well
and that cloak’s name is dread
I owe you a free session, she said
: my therapist, after she’d double booked:
our free session at 9pm:
on the other end,
I hear her punching numbers on the atm
Uh huh, uh huh, as I spill my guts
she emailed an article for me to read
said, legally
I can’t keep treating you
outside of California
have you ever been dumped via text?
it’s kinda like that.
is this how every long distance relationship ends?
it wouldn’t be Christmas without abandon—
some form or other
I’ve been around this block since twelve
I’ve gotten the hang now
I’ll be alright
I’ve taken to gardening after sundown
and it makes no sense
but it’s when I feel like it
and it puts me to sleep
pruning those leaves
touching nature
with hands that have done love
and it keeps me from calling
keeping something alive
filling a can with water
I think it’s okay
is it okay
I think it is
that it’s all I did today?
how are you doing?