I hold her
as an hour
glass.
perfect.
creature.
sand that
tick tick
ticks
through that
neck.
in night,
I hold her
on her side
watch the still
the pause
of time.
in night,
my hands,
once heavy
hooves
that blow
and thrash
turn soft.
nurse glass.
my big dumb
heart
unhealed.
stubborn
as a rodeo.
adolescent bull
at the gate.
eager to love
no under
standing—
how?
such a tender thing.
my hands,
too big
to hold
the gentle
pieces.
baby
Baby
babeh.
I die a little
when she reach
for me.
happy
happy
and.
heavy heavy
knowing
I can’t appease
that boundless
need.
hungry,
hungry,
I reject
the eye
that wanders
that big pupil
of her thirst.
my belly
button knows
better.
she knows.
I smother
her
licked silent.
let me have
just one more—
youth is a quicksand.
I dare not blame
her well-meant
notion.
I dare not open
that chest
of tinny fear
briny ocean.
how to fool
that great wet wary?
huddle closer
let me taste.
one day I’ll have
the strength to—
if I just stay
in this
bed
she may forget
to remember
upright.
she may forget
the swill of sand
that flees
through hands
of dumb-love
thumbs.
I opened a drawer
and our whole life fell out.
I saw it’s pieces
from a bird’s nest.
that view.
you.
You.
You.
the most beautiful
loss
I will ever—
damn me
for sight to see.
she says it plain
ly. on the verge
of sleep.
secrets slipping
between sheets, she—
in dark she con
firms the question
I know
the answer
to in light.
fear makes
a hardened child
of me.
I want to be tender.
I want to be tender—
Kid. Tomorrow
you’ll give
my name away.
I can’t help
my self. I.
brace for impact.
place my body
on that sacrificial
stone
to be crushed
as tin cans.
I’m weak.
I crush
first
attempt
to jump
the blow.
but no.
No.
No.
she tastes
sweet
bites hard
feel her in
the back
of my throat
p u l s i n g
I’ll never wash
that metallic
—taste—
that honey-
cured
coin
from my copper
mouth.
bullets sway.
slow. mo.
one day
they’ll hit
the artery.
for now,
they strike
and rebound
off bone
leave their ding
ding
dent.
words fall
in my ears
from sleepy
mouth like.
like how we forgot
to blow the dance-y
candle out. care-
less. like.
cocktail swords
piercing drum.
I shuffle
my shoulder
beneath her
weight
Just so
rest primed.
for grief’s stand-
by cloak.
One day,
but not today,
she says.
I'll be a story
told to other
lover's lips
alone
with light com
ing through
the night
time wind
ow
in beds
where
i
have never
slept.
i’ll be gone.
washed down
the river
the bath
tub
drain
of re-collect.
tonight.
tonight.
tonight,
of still black
morning
I breathe
her in.
she dreams
on my chest.
each breath,
a hello
a goodbye
all the unsaids
on the tips
of fingers
that stroke
her honey
head
as she drifts.
I let her lead
to where it will
or will not
end.
secret prayers
for never
never
never.
you’ll never know
the private moments
in which I’ve loved
you
as you slept.
studying
the constellation
of freckles
across that collar
bone
the rhythm
of that beating
piece of god
inside you
to never forget
the swell
in my—
i kissed
your thigh
and said
I will still
love you
when you go
and if the know
ing I will lose
you
is the cost
of loving—
I accept.
worth
every ounce
every breath
hand held
sandwich
shared
every laugh
every curve
of your smile
every touch
of your skin
every bus ride
meal shared
years carried
tears wept
nights slept
love bed
wife said
shower
plane
river of
your veins
carrying bliss
into my heart
the end
the start
my most
precious
friend.
late to say.
i’m sorry.
I fell short.
I listen
to the trash
trucks
and hear them
taking me
away.
I stay.
in that bed.
hold your head.
as long
as you will let.
crawl inside me.
take what you need.
I’ll give it free
ly.
little flame,
I’ll keep you
burning.
little love,
I’m only
learning.
late to bloom.
and right on time.
I saw you stand
ing on a corner
in Soho.
rainy after
noon.
accordion
of time
crumpled
and knew.
I saw you
complete.
nearing thirty
a woman
a beautiful
woman
with that you
inside.
and me,
in a rearview.
could kill me
to say I didn’t
see.
radiant creature.
could I love you
enough to—
Written by Jennifer Parkhill. 2019.